Three steps forward, two steps back

So, it’s been a week since the miscarriage. David and I have spent most of that week hiding away at home, trying to process what happened. I thought I was doing well enough (aka able to think of my pregnant friends without crying, looking at other pregnant women without much grief) that I could return to work today with minimal issues.

I nearly forgot that grief has a process. As a nurse, I have been taught this process; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. As of yesterday, I was surprised to think myself already at the Acceptance stage. After all, I had “passed” most of the phases. Denial occurred during the first 24 hours of receiving the news, I never felt angry at God or anyone else, I can’t remember ever thinking, “If I do X, then this wouldn’t have happened” etc, and I was no longer feeling too depressed when I saw a pregnant woman walking down the street. In my mind, I was at peace with the event.

Then, I went back to work. I had to revisit people who knew about my pregnancy, but not necessarily the miscarriage. I had to deal with people who were sympathetic, which almost immediately brought me to tears. I had to break the news to a few people. In short, I came home and cried. I felt numb and depressed all the way home. I was not my happy, energetic, bubbly self during my shift; I felt low and guarded, hiding away my precious grief lest someone trample on top and burst it open.

Then I remembered; Grief is a process. A loss such as a miscarriage does not usually last a week. As my sister told me, “There will be good days, and there will be bad days. Eventually, the good days will outnumber the bad ones.” This evening was a bad one. I’m sure it will not be the last. Until the good days come for good, I will continue to take each day as they come. May the Lord’s healing come swiftly.

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One thought on “Three steps forward, two steps back

  1. I am so proud of this writing, Caty. God is so amazing to His Children! He comforts and He will be there for both of you until those good days outnumber the bad! Oh how He loves us!
    He has got your baby and He's holding the little one in His loving arms! He just couldn't bear to let that little one go away from Him! 😉
    Love you Caty!
    May God be your comfort and your peace forever and ever. May He continue to bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you.

    Like

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