My poor blog has been quite forgotten as of late. Partly because I have been slightly afraid people will begin to think I am depressed all the time if I only post my difficult feelings regarding my miscarriage, partly because I have been rather busy. But as I sit in my lonely new apartment waiting for my husband to return from work, I might as well update my poor neglected online journal. 🙂
Remember all those frustrations I had regarding getting into my nursing classes? Yup, those still haven’t gone away. I am sitting out this first 8 week session due to not enough teachers/too many students needing these last two classes for graduation. Fortunately, I have been blessed to get a second 8 week session class. Not every student got into a class. Good news, I hope to be set on graduating in August of 2011. Bad news, my best friend in nursing school, Sarah Rescigno, managed to get into NUR 208 (Acute Medical-Surgical Nursing) without me. We have been together since Day 1 – every class, every section, every clinical. She has shared the same fears, same frustrations as me for over a year now. She is my twin (even in looks!). While I am very glad for her!, it is still hard to accept the fact that I can’t share in her struggles now. However, we will be going through Pediatric Nursing (NUR 207) in March. 🙂
So, what am I doing now that I don’t have a nursing class? Taking Microbiology and Geography. See, since I’m not taking both nursing classes, I have to take other classes to maintain full-time student status. Otherwise, I lose my financial aid. NOT a good thing. So, I am taking the last two classes I need to be able to apply for Grad School. The bad news – these are not 8 week classes. Geography is online. While boring, it’s not a very hard class. Microbiology is a hybrid class – half is online, half is in class. I only have class one day a week. Unfortunately, I will be adding my nursing class to this load. And, if a class is too hard, I can’t drop it. Dropping a class will leave me at part-time status, which means I lose financial aid. 😦 This Nursing Program has really been screwing my plans up.
Once again, God has been teaching me to wait on Him. I have finally given up trying to push into getting into Sarah’s nursing class. If He will open those doors, I will go through them. But, I will stop trying to pick the lock.
In regards to my miscarriage, I would be lying if I said everything is alright. Two weeks ago, my nieces were staying at my parents’ house for a few days. As always, David and I went up on Sunday. That night, I was giving a bottle to my one year old nice, Emily. While I have always loved holding and snuggling with babies, it reminded me at that moment what I lost. Even though my baby died at 8 weeks, barely enough to be considered alive, I lost all that potential. I sit here, even now, empty.
I tried to explain this emotion to my husband: Let’s say you have a dream car. You have always wanted this specific, reallyreally nice car. One day, it just shows up in your driveway, a free gift! You own your dream car!! You drive it around for a few months, falling more and more in love with this car every day. Then suddenly, 3 months later, it is taken away. No reason; it is just gone. Then, a lot of your friends and co-workers are driving this car. You of course can’t drive it, even once. So, while you wait and save to be able to buy this car, you have to sit and watch all these people driving YOUR dream car.
I don’t know if this analogy works well for females, but that is the best way I can describe it. Yes, I know that the Lord will bless me one day with a child. Hopefully more than one! Yes, I know that one miscarriage does not mean that I will never be able to bear children. Yes, I know that this happened for a reason. And while I know that people mean well when they tell me these things, it is really SO not helpful. I do greatly appreciate all the godly wisdom certain ladies have given me over the past few weeks. I know that my gracious, loving Father in heaven will bless me, even and especially now when I hurt and am confused.
So, in the meantime, I will continue to pray for healing and comfort while I plug away with my classes. If you have time and think of me in your prayers, please pray that I will be able to look upon a new mother and her baby without resentment.