Grief

My world was shaken 18 days, 14 hours ago.  I was awakened very suddenly at 3am by a call from my mom.  I answered, and got the news that my dad was in a single car accident and currently in surgery due to massive bleeding.  My two siblings, who were with him, were okay.  When we hung up, I saw that I had a text message from 2:53am my best friend from nursing school, who works weekends in trauma OR.  “Pray.  Pray right now for your dad.”

Around 4:30am, we got another call – the one I was in denial of ever getting.  He didn’t make it.

I have been avoiding this blog because I don’t really know what to say.  I don’t really want to go into great detail about those 2 weeks, just because it would take too long.  But something has been on my heart that I would like to share and help process…  I wonder how this grief would be different if Dad’s death occurred 2, 10, or even 25 years from now.  Would it hurt any less?  Or would it hurt even more?  How would the grief of losing him be different if he had died from disease or in hospice instead of so suddenly?  Or would a disease like cancer or heart disease be more painful to watch, as he probably would have suffered?  Would an eventual death given some of my family time for closure from the past?  Time to say last goodbyes?  As it is, none of us had that opportunity.  We all were robbed of his humor, his wisdom, his love.  There has not been a span of a few hours that has passed when I haven’t wanted to call or text him.  Ask for advice; tell a funny story about the boys; gripe a little about the trials of toddlers or napless babies.  The ache, the stab of memory, the crushing pain – it all comes in waves, hitting at different times.  I don’t know if it will ever go away.

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You are greatly, deeply missed, and oh so loved!  I am so proud to be known as Billy’s daughter, and I will strive to continue to make you proud of me, Hubby, and the boys.  Thank you for the wisdom, the late kitchen talks, the songs in the car on the way home from play practice, the memories you created with Little Man, the fierce protective love I inherited from you.  I am grieving your death, but I am at peace knowing you are in the presence of our Savior, Jesus Christ!  I know you are either getting all the answers to all the tough questions you ever had, or you are just don’t care about them anymore as you look into the face of Jesus.  I know you are probably so happy right now… but I still wish you didn’t have to leave us so soon.
Love,
Your Caty

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